Emotionally Incapable

Yep, that's me. I can help you move house, I can proofread your essay, I can make a mean pot of chili -- but try and get me to offer comfort and support to my distressed mother, and I just freeze up.

I feel so helpless. I'm at home this weekend because my mum is sick. Not just flu sick -- I mean kidney-stone-abdominal-pain-off-work-for-three-weeks-going-to-the-emergency-room sick. She thought she was getting better this week, but now some of her vertigo is back too. She's tired and frustrated, and wants to know how and when she'll get better. My dad's tired because he's got to take care of her and the house and the shopping and the laundry and do his work too. So I offered to come home.

On the one hand, I've been really useful so far -- I've done laundry, gone shopping, made a big pot of chili, and helped Dad rake the leaves. By the time I go back to Kingston tomorrow, I'll have made Shepherd's Pie, lasagna, and big pot of spaghetti too. But all this stuff is physical -- anyone could have done it. So far, I feel I've failed as a daughter.

At lunch, mum was telling me how frustrated she was that she didn't really know what was wrong with her -- I just nodded dumbly and said "It'll get better soon." She looked sad, finished her soup, and went downstairs to watch tv with Dad. Within ten minutes she came back upstairs; her glasses in her hand, her eyes all red and puffy with crying. Dad steered her to the bedroom to comfort her and tuck her in for a nap. What did I do? I stared at her, and then I went back to stirring the ground beef I was browning.

Did I say: "Oh Mummy!" and give her a big hug? no.
Did I rub her back and offer ways for us to find out what was wrong with her? no.
Did I do anything that showed I cared that my mother was unhappy? No.

Instead, I watched as my Dad (the one I had always jokingly dismissed as 'unemotional') comforted her and helped her through her tears. Why couldn't I do anything? Am I so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I don't do anything at all?

I want to help her. But I can't. I love her, but somehow the sight of her in pain and emotional distress just causes me to freeze up.