Chronology Collapse

My past is colliding with my present is colliding with my future. It's all very confusing and scary.

The problem, I've realized, with my current situation is that nothing is in order anymore. I have to write an essay due next week at the same time as I have to figure out when my exams are next month at the same time as I have to contact my summer employers at the same time as I have to fill out forms for going to Japan at the same time as I look at the course calender for a school I may be going to in two years. I know having a five-year plan is a good idea, but not when five years of decision-making is compressed into two weeks at the end of term!

As Kobuta rightly pointed out to me yesterday, at least everything I have to deal with is good things (and here comes the guilt-spiral...). However, I still feel overwhelmed, and would really just like to run away for a few days to think about things. What does it mean to go away from family and friends for a year? What do I want to do with my life? How should I be budgeting my money this summer? How do I organize myself in an efficient way? Why am I so scared?

But sadly, I don't have that luxury. So I live moment-to-moment, trying to ignore the rubber band of time snapping back on me from both directions and to deal with things one at a time, as best I can.

I am grateful for people and places that provide moments of respite: good books and cheesy tv to lose myself in, my friend Catherine who took me out for dinner last night and asked me so many questions about her upcoming QCF presidency that I forgot my own issues for a few hours, Kobuta and wnd to be their hilarious selves who know how to take care of me -- namely, poking me when I get too serious.

In a time of too much memory and too much awareness, I am grateful for the occasional relief of amnesia.