What I've been thinking about.

I haven't written on this blog in a while, so I don't know if anyone reads it anymore, but I need to do some thinking, and the easiest way for me to do that (especially here in Japan, apart from all the people I usually trust to listen to me talk out my thoughts) is by writing. So here goes.

I've never really had to worry about money before. I mean, I wasn't exactly rich in university, but scholarships plus working in the summers plus some money from my parents combined to see me graduate debt-free. Which isn't nothing in today's world of high tuition fees and higher living costs. So I graduated and moved out to Japan to teach. My job in Japan pays pretty well, and so I spent my first six months here blissfully unworried about money.

But now I'm embarking on a second degree, one with a considerably higher price tag. And I don't know if I'm cut out for the job it's training me for. I love theology, I love speaking in public, and I love helping people. But does that necessarily mean I can be a pastor? I don't know. But is a hunch, a hope, and a prayer enough to go on when embarking on a Master's degree (and putting myself into debt)? Or, to put it another way, is it too much to ignore for the sake of money?

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, and the idea of being in debt scares me. But that fear reassures me -- reassures me that I'll never be one of those people who happily racks up more and more debt without any real thought as to how to pay it back. I'm too practical to do that, and I know that if I ever reach a point where I'm too uncomfortable with my financial situation to continue, I will stop my degree. I could work in an office, work in a language school, work in a cleaning job -- I don't mind working in a jill job if it means I'm not paying back loans for the next 20 years. But there's just too much about being a pastor that attracts me for me to give it up just because the money is a factor.

Here's where I'm really honest -- all this thinking didn't start because of me. I've had a lucky enough life, money-wise, that I'd honestly never had to seriously worry about this sort of thing before. But a good friend gave me a stern talking to, and for that I'm grateful. I don't want to go into this with my pollyanna glasses on, and I don't think I am (although I need to keep thinking, that's for damn sure). But I also know I'd regret it if I don't at least start this degree -- even if my fate turns another way and I don't finish it.