Resurrection

I've been ruthlessly neglecting this blog for a year now, because I was in Japan and had a grown-up blog which everyone (including, as I was informed this week, my mother's coworker's daughter) could read and which was about interesting things like cultural differences and travel experiences. Now I'm back to this blog where I can write about whatever the hell I want, even if that's just to complain how often CSI is on during the day and how addictive it is once you start watching it. Not that I'm saying that this blog is trivial, just that it's got a different sort of purpose, one of random thoughts rather than twice-a-week mass communication.

I had a moment last night just before I fell asleep when I really realized that I was back. I wasn't living in Japan anymore, and I likely never would be again. It was strange, a mixture of pleasure and pain, excitement and sadness. Like the aftershocks of an earthquake, I've gone back to my regular life here as best I can but there are still moments (of diminishing frequency and strength) where I remember the time I spent there and my world sways in front of my eyes.

I keep coming back to that song lyric that became an emotional watchword for me when Joel and I broke up: Everybody knows it sucks to grow up. It's hard having to realize that your parents are getting (visibly) older, to know that you can't return to the days of little responsibility (and what's scarier, most of the time you don't really want to), and to know that any decisions you make now are, if they turn out to be huge miscalculations, wholly your own fault. I'm the master of my own destiny now, as much as anyone ever is.

And in general, I'm happy with that destiny. I'm happy with my decision to spend four months here in Ontario before moving out to Vancouver, I'm happy to be going to study theology, even though it scares the hell out of me. I'm happy that I asked Dad to open my bedroom door for me this morning because it meant I got to spend two blissful, sleepy hours with two adorably purring cats snuggled next to me.

But I still have moments of melancholy, as I guess everyone does. Change always means loss of something, even if it's for the best.