I am Learning. Slowly.

Thanks to a number of lovely people who care enough about me to want to help me become a better person, I've been learning a lot about myself lately. And one thing I'm learning is that I have a terrible memory (well, actually, I knew that already, but I had forgotten it for a while) so I thought I should write down these discoveries before they fly out of my head along with so many other things:

1. Thanks to a sharp mind, a keen interest in human nature, and four years of literature and religious study, I like to analyze people. I like to think I can figure why people do things and what their secret motivations are. While there is no inherent problem with this, the problem comes when I see fit to share these analyses with the people in question, usually in a tone of authority. Secondly, I don't apply the same rigourous analysis to myself. So everyone but me but gets treated to what I think they are like.

2. I talk far, far too much. And since I, in many ways, live inside my head I often don't notice when my theories or analyses actually fail to match up with reality. Or when, even if they are right, this is not the right time to be speaking about them instead of merely listening.

3. Despite liking analysis, I'm not actually that observant. I can notice subtle shifts in body language, but once I notice one thing I tend to go off in a reverie and think about that rather than keeping my eyes open for more interesting things.

4. I always make sweeping generalizations about everything. ;)

5. I am pretty good at having acquaintances, and good at maintaining close friendships, but I'm pretty bad at having regular old friends. This is because despite my facade of brash self-confidence, I am actually quite nervous around people, and so all of the above traits get amplified by my social awkwardness. And these traits, while very helpful in a one-on-one conversation between friends, are not so endearing in a casual chat with people who are just vague friends. Generally people don't want to hear my grand unified theories of psychology over a pleasant dinner after work.

It's funny -- you'd think learning all this would make me depressed... After all, it's not exactly good stuff. But while I protrayed these characteristics as weaknesses, I also know that given the right situation they can be incredible strengths. I just have to learn (and continue to be reminded by honest, caring people) when is an appropriate time to use these gifts and when is the appropriate time to keep my ideas to myself, to get out of my own head, and to give other people a chance to surprise me.

Goodbye, chibi_bento

I tried to log onto my old email address yesterday (the first one I ever had, the one Biku and I set up back when I didn't really know what 'chibi' or 'bento' meant, back when Hotmail was still the new thing everyone was just getting into). And it was gone!

Well, not really gone -- all my contacts were still there, but all my old messages were erased. My long conversations with Biku when she visited Picton, my messages organizing canoe trips, my hilarious exchanges with my cousin Nick. And while I'm not too sentimental about such things (I kept them on a whim, since I don't usually re-read old letters), it made me really sad to realize they were all gone. A link to my past had been severed, and I was hit with the realization that there's no going back. I'm an adult now, for better or for worse, and the days of me as the "dwarf lunchbox" are ending.

This isn't to say I can't be silly, or have fun, or write weird messages anymore, but I can't go back to what was. As I mentioned in the post on my Japan blog, I am increasingly seeing my time in Japan as another hurdle/watershed/coming-of-age time. That's exciting, but also (when things like Hotmail erasing all messages happen) kind of sad too.

Year End Review

I suppose with all the work and travelling I'm doing, plus the fact that I'm keeping in pretty good contact with my parents and my friends and updating my Japan blog regularly means something has to get neglected -- and this blog is it. Sorry. It's too bad too, because I was reading some of my posts from last year at this time, and they're not half bad. Although it's weird to think that a year ago I'd just gotten back from Christmas in Williamsburg, had a FABULOUS murder mystery New Year's party, and was settling in to play a bad video game (dream of stupid!) with my best friend before going back to university to finish my thesis.

Strange what can happen in a year.

It's also strange to see other people writing year-end reviews on their blogs, when I have no desire to do such a thing. I feel a bit like I've dropped out of time in Japan, like it's some sort of alternate version of myself here while another me (the real me? the fake me? who knows) is still at university, or in Canada, or something. There's also no point in doing a year-end review because my year was divided into three distinct chunks: living in Kingston, living at home, and living in Japan. And they're all so different that there's no way they can be synthesized into one year-end overview. Although I suppose I could benefit from a little self-reflection, seeing as how I'm very bad at analysing my own desires/needs/impulses.